How we long to believe we’re protected. Quietly exaggerating this, and blinding that, striving to get a sense that we’re loved and held, that a tangible, loyal man of God surrounds us with safety, and we will never be harmed.
Father, can you find me in the night? Father, will you save me? Father, can you take the nightmare away?
We wanted a savior, but you were pretending without knowing it, addicted to the light, intoxicated by the charm of awakening in the light. Drunk on glory, you believed yourself majestically immune to deeper law, transcendent, distant from it all. And with the opiates of adoration numbing you to the shearing isolation that lurks in all this opulence, you forced urgently away from the suicidal kiss found in every particle of touch, and the agonizing horror of just being no-one special at all. And you flew from empires of lies into idolatrous skies and losing the plot, you lost the compassionate whole.
A promise imploding in our hearts like a trick, a rape, with a mist of foulest sedition.
Beguiled, betrayed and vengefully hopeless, we brace our faces to your crestfallen glare and as the nectar of power drains out, all that’s left is a kernel of despair.
Fail, fail, fail, don’t you know, that every male must fail?
Adorned in jewels of salvational bliss; a trajectory of miracles eroded by crystalline love now predicts this savior, defender, liberator, god – must surely die.
This is your customized crucifixion. Stumble into your masterpiece.
Oh, beloved: you’re blinded so that you may see; you’re deafened so that you might hear; you’re numb so that you might find the subtler sense of etheric ecstasy. All power failing now, as impotent as a lake, you lurch inward to infinite darkness broadcasting a relentless crest of truth that decimates all fantasy.
When you are there, at the furthest edge of perception, gazing into the vast unknown of private annihilation, know this: I will never, ever leave you, for I am the darkness within the dim, numinous light that eternally pulses behind your eyes.
You will die, sweetheart, you will die – so that we may truly live.
